A Great Message

Yes, I know, again - it's about time . . .
A friend forwarded the following youtube clip earlier today. I just watched it. I find myself feeling that it is imperative that I forward it - and through the blog!
The link came with this message:

    *It is about a pilot that was supposed to be on American Airlines
    flight 11 the morning of 9/11. If you remember, Flight 11 was the
    first Boeing 767 to fly into the World Trade Center. In the beginning 
    it sounds as if it will be another heart rending story about 9/11 
    or a video centered around the airline industry. It takes a turn 
    half way through the video and oh, what a turn it takes. 

It will take about 15 minutes of your time, but to me it is time well spent.

Here is the link:

"In My Seat": http://www.youtube.com/user/peterscheibner#p/a/u/0/cLj4akmncsA

It's a great message, and gave me quite a kick in the butt. (Butt can take it now, it is only moderately sore.)
If you have ever wondered, 'why am I still here while others are not', this message is for you. And if you've never wondered . . well, it's for you too.

And, here I am, just fine. Nearly back to 100%.

I hope what I write next in no way dishonors or devalues the 'In My Seat' message. It's as trivial as it gets, but here goes -

All I want for Christmas is lots of growing hair. I still have only fuzz. I am suppressing the urge to call it pathetic. I am grateful for it. It is hair, of a sort, and it is growing, kind of. I am praying that someday it will amount to something . . .

s - l - o - w going, and a challenge -

Sigh.
Yeah, guys, I shouldda blogged way sooner than now.
I shouldda blogged on a GOOD day.
There have been those. Even though I still am sore, and itch and have only thin fuzz on my head and unreliable energy levels, there have been good days with friends and family, gatherings and outings, and working. Work is mostly at home on the couch, but it has been very satisfying to be productive in that area again.

But today, right in the midst of a happy day with my daughter visiting from England, I received a call from the disability people. They are reducing my disability payment by the amount of social security benefits I am eligible for, even though I have chosen not to receive them until the payment reaches maximum. This means two thirds of the disability payment I was first told I would get is gone - a shock to my short term financial planning and requiring major recalculations in my long term planning. Grrr.
I didn't think circumstances could rock me this bad.
Awwww - I'll get over it, but, dang, I'm upset over this low blow.

OK. It is GOD is who meets my needs. Not disability payments. Or Social Security payments. Or paychecks, even. By His hand these things happen. Or not. He meets my needs. He will give me the ideas for how to adjust financially. There are various options. I need to pray.
Please pray that I am sensitive to God's voice. Pray for wisdom. Pray for discernment. That His will be done.

There. I feel better already. With God's direction this situation will sort out, just as others before it have, and I can really only feel grateful that I know my God and that He cares for me. Over and over again He proves it. Constantly, He cares.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you.

Nahum 1:7

The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble.

He cares for those who trust in him. 

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Awesome

Yes, I haven't blogged in awhile because of -

A sorry state of affairs:
Couldn't think of anything worth blogging about.
Last week I tried going to work 4 hours a day. The experiment failed. The stress on my wounded body built up each day, and suddenly I could not bear the thought of sitting at my desk for one more minute . . .
And healing just seemed to be stalled out.
Got in a funk. Didn't want to talk to God or read His Word.
Just wanted to zone out with video games.
And feel guilty.

Redemption.
Then - news!
My disability claim is approved.
I am under no obligation to work any hours at all, although I will still work, taking care of the tasks that I have not taught anyone else to do.
AND my amazing assistant/job sharer/replacement is willing to continue on at 40 hours/week.
Suddenly my spirit is light and I am joyfully praising my God again.
He has sent me a huge blessing right in the middle of my funk.
I was feeling guilty before, now I feel compelled!
Compelled to worship. Compelled to thank. Compelled to honor my God.

Psalm 103:8-12
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;

He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Hair Thoughts

Matthew records in his book that Jesus said,
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father, and even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows."
Matthew 10:29-31

And Luke records these words from Jesus
All men will hate you because of me. But not a hair of your head will perish. By standing firm you will gain life.
Luke 21:17-19

I have always loved these 'hairs on your head' verses. These words tell us how total and complete God's love for us is, and that we can trust him in the huge and the trivial alike.

Today, the trivial is about hair. It is still coming out. But I still have enough to peek out from under my hat. I have felt for a month that I don't have any more to loose. But there it still is. God is faithfully giving me my wish to not have to be totally bald under my hat. And there are not very many hairs for Him to keep track of. (Although we know that that is not really an issue for God, I just could not resist being silly here.) I give thanks for every remaining hair.

Now, for the huge! Go visit my friend Tara's blog. (you can click on 'Taranator' right here on my blog!) For sure do this if you know Tara!! You will be inspired. You will be happy. You will want to praise our great God.

It is good to praise the LORD and make music to your name, O Most High, to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night, to the music of the ten-stringed lyre and the melody of the harp. For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD; I sing for joy at the works of your hands. How great are your works, O LORD, how profound your thoughts! 
Psalm 92:1-5

Progress

The news from Dr. H - Radiation Oncologist: I am continuing to heal amazingly well from the radiation treatments. A walking advertisement of God's healing power - all be it invisible . . . The tumor is ENTIRELY GONE. Praise God! Apparently they don't all just disappear like that. I got lucky - I got blessed.

The news from Dr. A, Surgeon in charge of gallbladder: He doesn't think my situation is urgent and he recommended I wait until November to see him. This is good, as it seems the gb is continuing to settle down, and I will have plenty of time to continue my observations, the latest being: the gb doesn't like me to be hungry and it doesn't like me to be stressed/excited. It doesn't seem to care much what I eat. Within reasonable boundaries, of course. Not having a double order of McDonald Fries any time soon. Um, not that I ever have had a double order of them . . .

I am back to work 20 hours/week. I'm happy to be there as long as I don't have to multitask, which disturbs the gb. I am definitely ready for the couch after 4 hours though. Have a ways to go to 100%. Like months.

I am so grateful for progress, and that the tumor is gone, and that the gb is quieting down. By the grace of God these blessings have come to me. I neither necessarily deserved them or did anything on my own to make them happen. It's all by the hand of God.

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.

Psalm 86:12

The Organ with a Mind of Its Own

What DO I do with this thing? It is not exhibiting anything resembling consistent behavior.

On Thursday Doc. S, my primary, said, 'Don't eat fat, not even olive oil.' OK, I did my best, ate almost no fat, and passed a rather awful night. Found my heating pad, and extra strength Tylenol and put them to work at around midnight. The pain subsided to a dull roar, but I did not get to sleep until 4AM. And no, I did NOT play with any electronics. I just lay there thinking my thoughts and praying my prayers.

The next day I had no energy for much of anything, due, I assume to lack of sleep. Daytime pain was minimal, but as bedtime neared, things began going south. Got pretty scared. Dug out the morphine, praying and praying I wouldn't have to take it. First I took the evening Aleve pill. Then I carried the morphine and the freshly charged heating pad to the bedroom. I lay down with the heating pad, and , , , before getting to the tylenol, never mind the morphine, I fell asleep!

Yesterday I awoke feeling almost perky, and went to the office for two hours (sitting in the office chair is still something of a problem) and then hung out with family until mid-evening. Ate some contraband - low fat sour cream, avocado, cheese, tortilla chips. Figured I would have to pay for it. Not. Not a peep from the organ. Went to bed without the heating pad, even.

Today has been lovely. Nearly normal! When I woke up the sky was gray and the wind was blowing and it had been raining. Ikky day? NO! I felt energized! Could not resist having a gallbladder unfriendly half cup of coffee. Then I put cheese in my egg and butter on my toast. Participated in all church activities and went to community care group in the early evening. I availed myself of more opportunities to eat gb unfriendly food.

Bed time is now approaching, and still not a peep out of the organ. So, will it pull a fast one, or let me sleep tonight? I am clueless.

Stay tuned . . .

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13:5-6

And the Doctor Says . . .

There is no danger in waiting for Dr A to get back. I can use tylenol to control the pain if it is keeping me up at night, or I can break into the morphine (Ugh! No!! Pray I don't need that, although a little bit in the middle of the night probably wouldn't bother me.)
Also, I must try to eat no fat at all. Not even olive oil. No comment.
The silly organ has been pretty quiet all day, only acting up after I left the doc and was driving to the office. It felt nasty for awhile, but I was able to work, and by the time I left two hours later it had subsided.
More people were inspired to pray - wow. It is tempting to write it off to coincidence, and some of you doubtlessly will, but the believers among you are thanking God for revealing His power and love! Me included.
The doc enjoyed the idea that the 'we're going to see the doctor, so all symptoms will hereby vanish' syndrome kicked in. That is just as coincidental/real, depending on how you tilt the viewer.
I can't deny that a friend was praying just around the time the symptoms went away while I was at the office, AFTER the doc.
AND! My energy held up all day! Went for a walk this evening. Figured if a walk uses up all my energy, it should happen at the end of the day. Duh.
Also, doc gave me a flu shot, a pneumonia shot and an Rx for a shingles shot, and took blood to check my thyroid level - could be contributing to tiredness. Very fruitful visit.
So, overall, my spirits are greatly lifted. Thank you for praying. Thank you for sending good thoughts. Thank you for being my friends.

A longing fullfilled is sweet to the soul.

Proverbs 13:19

God Hears. God Answers.

This morning this message from my friend S was in my email:

Oh Molly, I will be praying about your gall bladder trouble.  Mine was removed several years ago but I still remember vividly that intense pain - worse than childbirth, I thought at the time.  I pray and pray ...

And here's what happened to me, as I told it to S:

Dear S,

Praise God, my pain has been nowhere near that of childbirth!! But it does go on steadily for hours, rather than in waves like childbirth. Bearable, but very wearing.

HOWEVER, my dear, your prayers brought a miracle! Last night I had NO PAIN, and had the first decent night's sleep I've had in nearly a week. What a difference in energy - I feel almost perky!

God is so ready to demonstrate his love and his power to us when we call on Him! Praise His Name!!

Oh, and thank you for your heartfelt prayer!!

Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

Psalm 86:17

In fact, here is the whole psalm, which was part of my Bible reading this morning. I made the parts bold that especially speak to me today.

A prayer of David.

1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. 2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. 3 Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. 4 Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. 5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. 6 Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. 7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. 8 Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours. 9 All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name. 10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. 11 Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. 12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. 13 For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. 14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life-- men without regard for you. 15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. 16 Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant. 17 Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.
 Psalm 86:1-17

Patience . . .

Poor neglected blog.
Well, this recovery business is a bit of a slog, and offers little inspiration for creative writing.
I still itch (but healing is going on there), and I still don't have much energy.
And, to add to the mix, my gall bladder (remember Dr. A discovered 'junk' in it back in June) is acting up. As in belly pain, often coming at night, making it difficult to get to sleep. It may be an energy drain as well.
So, I'm off to consult with my primary physician, Dr G, tomorrow.

On Sunday Pastor J preached on Romans chapter 15.
Here's something Paul wrote to the Romans in Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I am so very grateful that I know and trust God and believe in His Son Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. At this point I think I would be quite miserable without my faith. As it is, I am at peace in my spirit. God's plan is just plain way bigger than my human agenda, and I can and do trust Him. However, prayers for patience with the healing process and other assorted health issues are appreciated.

Happy Day

Daytime highs are in the mid 90's
I don't have air conditioning, and neither do all the kids who have started back to school.
I hope all those kids can find stuff to be happy about like me.
Today was my first full day without morphine!!!!
To celebrate, I drove the car to the grocery store.
Oh boy, do I feel better. It's hard to describe the side effects that were there, and now are not there. I somehow simply feel cleaner, in mind and body.
But I remain grateful for the morphine that did its job when I needed it.
I do still have a sore butt, and will need pillows or something to put on any chair I need to sit in for more than two minutes, but it's a totally manageable sore butt, with a little help from Aleve.
Hooray!
Let the miracle of healing continue.
In the name of your Son Jesus Christ, I thank you, most gracious and loving God.

Bigger Steps

All parts of workout (cardio, stretch, weights) are in place - even though at just 25%.
Vacuumed 1/2 the living room. The bad news is that the other 1/2 looks awful.
Morphine is at 1/2 minimum dose. Still need that little bit. Itching can be fierce at times.
Completely caught up with work emails and professional online magazines.

I need to learn to blog in the morning, along with everything else. Afternoon and evening are still subject to unscheduled naps and general tiredness. Of course, the morning routine has now gone into afternoon. Partly 'cause I slept til nearly 9AM! Ten hours??! Well, that's how we let the healing happen.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,

because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16:7-11

Baby Steps

How big is it to have done these things today:

• Swept the bathroom. (No, toilets is not a baby step.)
• Vacuumed abut 20% of the living room, and dusted.
• Caught up personal bookkeeping!! (But not medical bills. Med. bills is not a baby step. Note, no worries, the bills are paid for, just need to be accounted for.)

It helped that I only had one nap.
Two people said I had more color than last they saw me.
Saw Dr. H. He continues to be delighted with my progress in healing, particularly the radiation burn area.

God works miracles - works only God can do - in all of us every day.
In me, today, more healing.
Thank you, God for your abundant blessing of healing, and for financial provision!

Onward, in Christ.

It's all over but the Healing

Last radiation treatment was yesterday. Hooray! There was a nice little celebration of hugs all 'round and a gift of a cute little guardian angel pin for my hat. The radiation staff is a really nice and fun group, and they made showing up for treatments actually pleasant. I will miss seeing them each day.
I will still see Dr H and the nurses for followups. Yesterday they all agreed I had come through the process admirably. This has very little to do with what I have done, and everything to do with the fact that God has blessed me with a strong mind and body from the get-go. All the glory goes to Him.

The Healing - - - it will be a long, slow process. I am amazed at how much I am sleeping. I am not in pain, thanks to morphine. I eagerly await the time I can be rid of it though. On re-reading the info that comes with the Rx, I noticed it causes nausea, and nausea is back. Just low-grade urpy-ness, just as before the hospital, but definitely irritating. They gave me something for it while I was in the hosp, but it wasn't one of the meds I have on hand here, so I'm leaving it untreated for now. Just want to be rid of the stuff, so I can drive, as well as not feel urpy & constipated.

So - I am coveting your prayers for patience with the healing process! I can't make it happen faster. Ointments and creams can't make it happen faster. Only God 'makes' it happen. Our Creator, creating new healthy cells in my beat-up body. Quite miraculous, when you think about it. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy and grace.

Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths;

Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.

Psalm 25:4-6

Home

Arrived here at around 2pm, by way of Fred Meyer for some miscellaneous purchases of stuff for my comfort and ease of activities of daily living.
Just like unpacking from a trip, stuff needed to be sorted and put away.
Then - a lovely nap.
Then, a meal, watched the news of the hurricane, and a Monk episode.
Day just flew by.
Now - bedtime!
Feeling very much better than I did when I was last here. Probably better than I have felt in two or three weeks.
Falling asleep. More later.

Goin' home tomorrow

Finally everything is sorted out. Mainly I had to wait for a bm to happen. I had not had one for awhile, and the docs wanted to be sure all was working properly in that area. Now it is.
It's just a bit late to hustle out of here right now, so they are letting me stay over until the morning. The date stamp on this blog is early afternoon, but it's being updated now - at five in the afternoon. Now, just one more evening/night here, then back to the real world, in significantly better condition than when I left.

More (optional) treatments
After today's treatment I met with Dr. H. He said all is looking good. If, however, I would like to take two more treatments on Monday/Tuesday, my cure rate could go from 90% to, maybe 92%. (beats me where they get stats like that, but that's what I have to work with). The treatments would be as an out patient and he said it was entirely up to me to take them or not.
My first reaction was to pass. It just didn't look like that good a return on my investment of time and effort.
Then I went back to my room to have a post treatment nap. As I relaxed, it came to me that I should do all I can to optimize cure chances. I would hate for this thing to come back on me after not doing all I could do at this point.
I can hear Sam and Jennifer going, 'Yay Mom - go for it, we love you!'
Also, I have been given the gift of being able to tolerate the treatments, now that I'm put back together. I will honor that by continuing on, doing all modern radiology knows to do for my condition.

Please pray as you are lead that God will bless these final treatments and the healing processes, both now and in the coming weeks.

Resting and Healing in Room 501

I've been here for two and one half days, and it is probable I will be here for another two and a half.
For this I am grateful beyond words. I was dreading being kicked out and sent home to continue bumbling along with self care and commuting to treatments. Now I have assurance that I will continue to get monitored and cared for until after the final treatment on Friday. I can get my questions answered right away, sometimes before I ask. I can rest and sleep and, as I said before, the bathroom is less than 10 feet away.
Really, I have no other thoughts to share tonight, just my constant feeling of gratitude for this hospital stay in this lovely quiet room with the beautiful view, and the vigilant care and continual encouragement from the staff here.
Without this, the remaining treatment process would indeed be brutal. As it is, it is entirely manageable.
I would ask everyone to join me in an unfathomably huge prayer of thanksgiving for these mercifully pleasant circumstances. And, let's not forget to ask God to go before me, healing me from the treatments, and allowing the treatments to be thoroughly effective in eradicating all cancer from my body.

I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfuylness reaches to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth.

Psalm 57:9-11

The News from Providence St. V., Room 501

Yep. I'm hangin' in the hospital, gettin' all fixed up.
Just couldn't face starting rad treatments again while feeling so very debilitated.
Rad Doctor agreed, so, after my treatment (now only four left,) I checked in here.
Very glad I did.
Needed more electrolytes/Potassium.
Had low grade bladder infection that needed treating.
Got professional burn care, and some helpful advice on self care, and a new dandy prescription ointment.
Got vague nausea feelings controlled.
And the bathroom is only 10 feet away.
Hmm. Did I mention cable TV? Got to watch some cable only little league games between naps. Lovely.
Pleasant view of the west hills. Sky and trees. Don't think I'll need to close the blinds, just like at home.
Good comfort food. Not the way of choice for lifetime eating, but perfect for now.
Oh, and would you believe, the painters were back, this time at the front, so I effectively escaped them yet again.
Special note to Becky, Carolyn and Sharon - Guess who my nurse is? Remember dear sweet Bjorn? Well, he's just as sweet as ever, and says hello to you all. The rest of the staff is really nice and good at their jobs.
And that, friends, is the news from Providence St. V., 501

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.

The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Psalm 34:8-10

I'm Back from an Adventure that Ends with a Blessing

It's been so long, my blog forgot who I am!
It's been an unexpected four days.
I expected days of peace and healing for my rad ravaged butt.
On Tuesday I slept. I had expected I would be doing a bit more than that, but, not.
Wednesday began with a a pre dawn "eruption" from below as the pill to counteract the constipating effect of morphine took effect. Gaaaaah.
Then the condo painters arrived at my unit, with their plastic to cover my windows, and their (rather loud) Spanish language radio.
And I was off to Oncology to give them some blood to check to see if I was OK. (Routine procedure.)
Guess I just came home and slept some more, painters and their radio not withstanding.
Thursday I was barely up and about when I got a call from Oncology. They said I was dehydrated and needed to come in and get fluids. ??? I had been so carefully drinking water . .  ?? Oh. Potassium. Electrolytes. Kidney functions.. Time to ditch the Ibuprofen and switch to Tylenol. Also, who knew, diarrhea is a big drain on electrolytes. And, this probably accounts for being so very tired.
So, with biggest thanks to my team of drivers, I had a ride in place within the hour. Ended up getting four hours worth of potassium infusion. (How long it takes is governed by how many units per hour may be infused.) My driver went back to work, and I settled down to a restful, all be it unexpected and unplanned, mid-day stay chez St. Vincent Oncology Infusion.
It is actually quite a lovely and peaceful room, with panoramic windows looking out on trees, comfy recliners, available and friendly staff, and no TV.
And now I must make my long story short, as I am running out of gas.
Today I went back for more, and I actually was quite happy to, for these very two days the painters had my house entirely sealed up in plastic, and were working very hard with their radio going loud and strong. When I came home, the plastic was off, and they were leaving for the day, taking their radio with them.
Scriptures abound reminding us of how our God works in just such amazing ways, but I must leave them for another day. Please, just join me in a prayer of thanksgiving for yet another demonstration of God's care for each one of us!

Tweaks. Good Tweaks.

It's Monday. Time again for the weekly tweaks.
Doc.'s decided that I need another week off.
I was suspecting as much, but was way happy to learn that:

1. It is entirely in the purview of normal to have chemo healing take this long, especially after round #2.
2. It is not unusual to pause radiation treatments for two weeks.
3. It does not change the cure rate in any way.

So, I have another week off. And, this time, I think the chemo effects are abating, although not with the speed of last time. Hoping to for a week of improvement.
I can offer this bit: at present we are not experiencing brutal.

Gonna get through this. Really.
The Lord walks before me every step.

Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Galatians 5:25

Praise

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty,

I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!"

Psalm 91:1-2

I do not check my 'baggage' at the door. I sit with every doubt, every fear, every ukkie. I welcome His presence, by His Holy Spirit, allowing it to wash over me, to seep into me, and to infuse me with quiet comfort and, even, joy.

For this, I praise my God today.

My Newest Job

My big job in life now is to be sure I get my 2 to 3 quarts of liquid inside of me each day.
This has not been easy lately, because, more often than not, drinking hurts.
A log must be kept.
I have finally learned to keep an accurate and contemporaneous one.
It reveals that it often takes me as many a five hours to consume a mere 20 oz of fluid.
We blame pain for this. We blame morphine for this. Pain interference is obvious.
So we take a break. And catch some zz's And have strange morphine dreams.
Waking up, startled, we say, that is NOT real - that is one of those dreams.
We drink again, and gear up for the next shot, sleeping, dreaming, waking for the next drink.
But, you never know. I prayed for relief, and just downed 12 oz in 1/2 hour.
Now just 8 oz of rice dream before bed, and I have made quota!
Now that I think I've got it right, maybe the mouth sores will start to lighten up. It's been seven days now.

Very timely, I picked up a little book called, "31 Days of Praise" by Ruth Myers which had been a room gift at Lake's women's retreat in 2001. (My first one!)
Hope to be sharing some of Mrs. Myers' thoughts and the Scriptures that inspire her soon.

Hangin'

Just not excited to post.
Morphine knocks the sutffin' out of yer brain.
I tried skipping a dose (the bedtime one) last night. It was not a successful experiment.
It is a challenge to get focused to do activities of daily living, never mind proactive things.
Another contributing factor is that the mouth sores are not going away. On the contrary, they seem worse.

A voice says, "Cry out." And I said, "What shall I cry?"

All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.

The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass.

The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.

Isaiah 40:6-8

Bright

Well, folks, you will  be happy to hear that even brutality has its limits!
Seems my butt is ragged enough to warrant a break - a five day (counting the weekend) break!
The Doc says I should feel much better and should be able to tolerate the last FIVE treatments, Monday Aug. 15 through Friday Aug. 19.
Again, the psychological effect is great. I have been feeling relieved and happy. I seem to have a bit more energy - mental and physical - chemo effects abating? Sooner than expected?
Whatever. The future actually is looking and feeling . . . bright!
God is merciful. I can actually expect to tolerate the final treatments, as I continue to trust God to carry me through.

Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths, 

guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.

Psalm 25:4-6

Helpers and Puzzles!

The best news! I asked for help. For drivers. They were arranged, coordinated, and all communications were accomplished. All I did was say 'help!'. What a blessing to have friends at the ready who will not only serve but figure out the administrative details of how to do it! Thanks, friends - you know who you are. I'm looking forward to a little visiting time!

Otherwise, I am resting a lot, and resting comfortably. Sleeping, and indulging in my latest online discovery - free jigsaw puzzles. At last, I don't have to deal with a rambunctious cat when I do them! And they are easy on the grandma/chemo/morphine brain. You even get to choose how many pieces you want to use, and there is a seemingly endless supply of interesting pictures. I've been to the alps, and to castles, and cottages. Most recently, a trio of charming "bat winged" pumpkins sitting on someone's porch. Certainly I never know there was such a thing. They just looked like gourds to me. This afternoon I came home from treatment, went to sleep on the couch for two hours, woke up, and did puzzles for another two hours. The cat didn't move either.

Moving is a bit of a different story, but, fortunately, I don't need to do a lot of that, and it is endurable as long as I remember to keep on top of my meds.

God Bless you all. May your prayers and warm thoughts be richly rewarded, far beyond the deep gratitude I am feeling for you and them.

Seek the Lord where he may be found; call on him while he is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the Lord and he will have mercy on him, and our God will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 

neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, 

so are my ways higher than your ways 

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:6-9

Take That, All You Ukkies!

This morning at 5AM I could barely swallow 8 oz of water with my thyroid pill.
Vowed, when I got out of bed, I would have me a bit of morphine.
Slept until 8. Hurting, crept to the kitchen where the meds are and got me a dose.
Well, I have never done this before. I am very curious about what will happen.
And, helper crew, it looks like I will need drivers! (Will send separate email,)
It will be fun to see some of you, especially if I am 'feeling no pain'. . .

Slept all morning. Tried to drink water, but it still hurt.
So when morphine came due again I upped the dose to .4ml. (Max is .5ml, starter dose was .25ml) This seems to work. Not ready for solid food (it hurts to clean the particles out of my teeth), but a bottle of ensure went down fine, water not so good (odd, and annoying) but endurable. Now I'm ready for some rice dream.
So the afternoon is going a bit better.

Perhaps the mouth sores are as bad as my butt will be in a week, but by then the mouth sores should be about as bad as my butt is now. OK, with God and the tool he has provided, morphine, I will get through this! Praise his glorious Name.

Hangin' with the Ukkies

If     I     stay     absolutely     still,     nothing hurts much.

It also helps if you remember to take your ibuprofen on time.
I forgot a whole dose, and whimpered around miserably all afternoon, wondering how I was going to survive a week of chemo effects and 7 more rad zaps.
I keep a log of what meds I've taken when, and lo and behold, the afternoon dose of ibuprofen wasn't there.
So now, I feel a lil' bit perkier.
But there is absolutely nothing you can do with mouth sores, except endure them.

Thanks again for all your good wishes, prayers, and offers for help, and for your newsy emails. Keep those coming! I'm not up to answering them all at present, but I do appreciate them very much!
I'm not really wanting visitors now because the mouth sores hurt to talk, (and so does my brain, to a lesser extent) and I have bought ahead on food and supplies. I am managing minimal activities of daily living. The hardest, as we just saw, is keeping track of the meds. The cat gets cared for, and I eat (sort of), drink, and take meds. For today, all needs are met!

Thanks be to God.

Re-entering the Land of the Ukkies.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

Psalm 23:1

Chemo brain. Just can't seem to make the thing go very easily.
Mouth sores. Are baaack. Not very bad, but I'm not happy to see them back, even a little bit.
Tired.
Slightly urpy. (nauseous). Good news. I didn't take any med for it, and now it seems to be going away.

PICC line and pump go away tomorrow, but, if side effects follow last time, they have only just begun.
Do not like.

To all who have written lately, I hope to get back to you all.  I so appreciate your thoughts, your sharings, and your prayers.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
Psalm 23:2-3

The News from the Couch

Praise God, Yes! I am doin' alright!
Starting to walk a little like a cowboy with saddle sores.
Drinkin' lots of water. If I drink, I don't feel urpy from the chemo.
Would really like to avoid the anti nausea meds. We'll see.
Tired. Quite tired.
This afternoon I had the ball game (Mariners) on the radio and just lay there listening.
Then I woke up as the last out was made.They won.
I am quite comfortable, actually, as long as I stay on the couch and don't move.
Moving is OK, just not fun.
And that's today's news from the couch.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Two Positives!

Chemo: When I get my infusion pump taken off on Friday, I also get to have my PICC line removed. You may remember (big points for you if you do!) that this is a device that allows blood to be drawn, and blood and other fluids to be given, as well as the cancer drugs. Since it is not anticipated that I will need extra blood or fluids, and the cancer drugs will be done (whoop), the device will be removed. It is installed on my upper arm, and the biggest bother about it is that I must forgo showers. Baths only. So hooray. Back in the shower again on Friday!

Radiation: Doc H. continues to be very happy with my progress and how I am tolerating the treatments. (Thank you God, as this has absolutely nothing to do with anything I have done. If I must be given cancer, I can only be grateful that I am also given the ability to tolerate the treatments.) The news: He has reduced my planned number of treatments by two. That, to me, is huge! It means 10 to go, instead of 12. It means I have entered the final (allegedly brutal) third of treatment. Expected completion date is now August 16, (Happy b'day, Heidi!), just two weeks from today!

Overall, both chemo and radiation effects continue to be tolerable. Again, I am overwhelmed with gratitude to my God.
It's a pleasant summer evening. After I get this posted, I believe I will make a quick run down the hill to fetch some Aloe Vera Gel - I'm nearly out, and pick up a Jamba Juice treat.

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen

Philippians 4:19-20

Heeeere We Go . . . Again -

Chemo #2 (of 2) is underway. Little cells under attack again. For now, nothing has started bothering me. Drinking copious quantities of water, so the twitches and twinges from Chemo #1 (I peeked at my blog about it!) have not been noticeable. Instead - how odd is this - hot flashes. Two of them. What ever - they're painless.

Also had Rad-Zap #20. Most likely there are 13 to go. No issues from radiation today. Runs seem to have calmed, for the moment.

Spending a lazy evening - I probably should have worked some, and, alternatively, answered a couple of long emails I've been putting off, but doing Sudoku puzzles and listening to the Mariners win won out. Game almost over and bedtime coming up. All things considered, a decent day! Thanks be to God. Thank you, Pray-ers.

In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.

Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.

Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go;

Give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.

Psalm 71:1-3

Raggedy Start, Decent End

Well, this morning I had high hopes for church.
My poor beleaguered gut had a different agenda.
Guts won. No church for me.
Later said gut allowed me out to do errands.
Thus continued the scramble and search for 100% Aloe Vera Gel - which has been a wonderful balm for my radiated skin.
My original bottle was from Trader Joe. Their brand. Which, it turns out, they only make 'seasonally', and the 'season' is over.
Next stop, Walgreen's. I had seen some aloe gel on line at their store, but no, it had alcohol and stuff in it.
Next?? back home, called a Trader Joe store near St V's. Nope. None left. None in the warehouses.
However, the nice staffer there suggested New Seasons.
Yep. Right down the street. I called, they had, I went. But they didn't have. But they will have. Tomorrow.
I will not whine. I will not complain. I am grateful there is any 100% aloe gel to be had anywhere, never mind just down the street. Besides, it's the only place to get Chocolate Rice Dream, and I need to lay in a few more of those before . .

Chemo starts up again . . . tomorrow.
Back to sludgy, and sleepy (even more sleepy??) and oh, forget the rest.


I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

Un - Wilt

Well, I am pleased to report that today felt reasonably normal and my energy seems to have returned - enough to manage the activities of daily living, including errands, house maintenance, laundry - that sort of thing. Did NOT get to work. Hopefully my energy will be there again tomorrow and I can get some very important me-only chores done there.

This is from two days ago:

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Went out on the deck and pulled hair and tossed it to the breeze. I do not like to look at how much I'm getting. I just pull for awhile, stick my hat back on and continue my day. There is still enough sticking out of the hat, and a quick peek at my reflection in the sliding door reveals there is still enough hair to be far from bald. So, thanking God for small favors, I go on with the day.

I've done this for two more days. Strange morning ritual. I don't think I'm quite getting tufts anymore, which means I will have hair enough to frame my face under the hat, at least until sometime after chemo 2 when the cycle of hair loss may start again. 

Oh, and I managed a little shopping yesterday. A few new hats from the local Thrift Store, although the adventure ended abruptly with an episode of runs. These drain my energy every time. Just one episode today, which is why my energy is back, I think.

It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High,

to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night,

to the music of the ten-stringed lyre and the melody of the harp.

For you make me glad by your deeds, O Lord; I sing for joy at the works of your hands.

How great are your works, O Lord, how profound your thoughts!

Psalm 92:1-5

Tomorrow is church. Maybe I will be able to sing a few praise songs, since my mouth is all the way healed.

Encouragement

It started out discouraging enough.
Hair is still coming out in tufts, although it is amazing that there is at least enough to look nice poking out from under a hat. I am rather vain about my hair and have started wearing a hat 24/7. Yeah, last night I slept with my hat on. I don't like the look of me with increasingly wispy hair, or the feel of it either.
Um, and then there's been the runs that have refused to respond to the 'brat' (banana, rice, applesauce & toast) diet.

Dr. H, Radiologist, is the encouragement star of today.
He said, just take an Imodium (anti diarrhea) pill for your runs. Bought the stuff, took a pill immediately, and have not had an episode yet. Man, having the runs was debilitating - I amazed and grateful for the simple fix. Hooray for drugs.
Then, he said I am doing extremely well tolerating the radiation treatments. As in my skin is in good shape. It's nothing I have any control over, except maybe for faithfully applying aloe gel to the affected area, so, really, I have God to thank for giving me a body that is tolerating radiation unusually well.
Tomorrow officially begins the second half (more or less) of radiation treatments. Of course, this means the more difficult half. But I'm doing well! Praise God and focus on one day at a time.
Four more days before chemo starts again. Praise God and focus on one day at a time.

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

James 4:13-15

Wilt

Tired - a bit wilted, as it were.
The flowers from work are doing better than I am, although they are showing early signs of wilt.
I'm not walkin' as fast.
Still choosing the stairs though!
Restin' and sleepin'
Doin' a puzzle or two.
Watchin' part of a ball game. Darwin Barney, Murray Hill LL Alum, plays second base for the Chicago Cubs. Saw one at bat. He struck out. Looking.
Ready for bed.
Zzzz

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Hair Today, Hair Tomorrow?

Lots of hair gone again today, but, amazingly, it still looks OK.
I have yet to see the legendary huge wad of hair on my pillow that I have heard about so often. For me, it's sort of like brushing the cat. I brush, out comes hair, and I hope that keeps the shedding down during the day. With the cat, when I brush her she leaves less hair all over the place and doesn't get hair balls. Glad I am not under threat of hairballs!

The apostle Paul writes these challenging and encouraging words in Philippians 4:11-13
I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, weather well fed or hungry, weather living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. 

Hair loss, impending chemo, increasing radiation discomfort -  

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip - he who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Boring?

Without the adventures of the baseball team to add spice to this blog it is in danger of becoming a litany of symptoms. Thankfully, I have only one symptom worth mentioning.

That would be hair, shedding at an accelerated rate. Three weeks after chemo. Yuck. I still have enough to look ok, but I how much more will go in the days ahead and I wonder about what round two of chemo will do. Maybe I'm one of the chosen few who will loose a lot of hair. All of it? What ever. I'm sure I will cope. But it is not pleasant seeing the amount of hair that's come out the past two days.

To those of you who may have prayed, I made it to the office today and logged a productive three hours. Thank you! I had just the right amount of energy, and took care of all the 'have-to's' but one. I had intended to go yesterday, but an unscheduled nap and a couple of longish phone calls made mincemeat of that intention.

My biggest challenge is strategizing for chemo treatment 2. Things to get done before it starts. Supplies to lay in. I guess that's it. Just two lists. Not too bad.

Well, that is about all there is to my life these last two days.
I am very grateful that there is nothing awful in it.
I am most grateful that I feel basically OK. Tired and somewhat sore, but OK.
Grateful there's not more than 10 (maybe more like 5!) hours of work per week that has to be done by me. Grateful for the others who are willing and can understand and do the rest of the work!
Most of all grateful that what ever comes my way in life, God is Lord over all of it and is there to carry me through, as a shepherd carries a wounded lamb.
All praise and thanksgiving be to our Lord, God and Savior, Jesus Christ!

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 33:20-22

Relatively Easy Days

Relatively easy days, although the couch is still the venue of choice.
There is a seemingly endless amount of internet stuff to do.
I still haven't begun to read a book. What has the world come to?
Much of the ease is attributable to ibuprofen.
Actually managed to take the car to the shop, work three hours, and get rad zapped.
Then I came home to my couch and slept!

Yesterday the we had the End of Season party for the Murray Hill Little League All Stars.
It was a nice party and a good closing event for them.
The food was great, and I ate too much.

This is a link to a local news story about the championship game:

http://www.beavertonvalleytimes.com/sports/story.php?story_id=131126818872317500

Or, just Google: beaverton valley times July 21, 2011 raleigh hills.
It is a short account, but mentions all the plays, including Kaleo's 'perfect' bunt.

Treasuring the nine more days I have before chemo starts again.
Oncology says I should get about the same reactions. Radiology (Dr. Lu) rolled her eyes and said, you are more run down from the first treatment and from the radiology treatments and it will likely be worse.
So I'm planning on holing up, drinking liquid food and swishing with mouth-number and sleeping as much as possible and using my brain as little as possible until it's over.

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

Psalm 139:8-10

What's Cool about Root Canals

Here's what:

• You get to hang out with fun people.
• You get to snooze in the dentist chair.
• Your tooth gets fixed.
• You get ibuprofen, which helps with other bodily discomforts as well as the sore tooth.
• You get the rest of the day off. Sort of. I did take a 1.5 hour nap though.

All is well. Enforced ibuprofen came at a good time. People were telling me, 'you know, you can take over the counter pain meds . .' Of course macho me would have none of it, but now the radiated area does indeed feel better.

Still grieving a bit for the extended baseball summer that got away. Their end of the season party is tomorrow. Way too soon. Well, kudos to those scrappy little giant killers from Raleigh Hills. Other grandmas are rejoicing, and working to fit a trip or two to Bend into their schedules.

Earlier, in the morning I had a serious burst of energy, and took it out on the house. Cleaned a toilet. When ever I do this, I always remember my friend Laurie E. The verse that follows had been part of a Bible study we did together back when her three boys were small, and she felt like her life was about cleaning toilets . . . So here's our verse for the day -

What ever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Colossians 3:23-24

A New Day.

Baseball: I'm praying for the boys - that they are processing well. They were the giants that got killed by the little guy. That's a new experience for probably everyone involved. I'm praying for the coaches too - that they can work through and understand their own issues and be there to give wise support for the boys.

Mouth: Still improving from the dreadful mouth sores. Yesterday I was finally able to care for my teeth properly. Brushed them and did all the extras FOUR times yesterday. They actually seem to be bouncing back fairly well. Except for poor tooth #31. I went to see Dr J, my regular dentist, and he (and I) believe the best choice for the tooth is to have a root canal. It's been set up for tomorrow at 12:30. Lets pray that it is successful. I have had one prior root canal from Dr. AJ and I liked him very much. He has amazing (to me) state of the art technology. Oh, and he's a nice man too.

Radiation: Entering the second third of treatments, when effects begin to become noticeable. So far just feel intermittently sore/scratchy.

Chemo: As I said, my mouth is continuing to get better. Although there are lingering sores I can eat just about anything. Dang. Time to get back onto the portion control regimen, for my appetite is baaaack . . .

Life: Baseball loss stings. I was so looking forward to following them in person or remotely as health would permit. Now it's over. OK - now there is a vacuum where baseball used to be. I will pray I recognize what is there waiting to fill it. Something with passion, maybe? I would like that. What ever it is, I pray I will be given passion for it!

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - for the glory and praise of God.
Philippians 1:9-11

Baseball Season Has Ended.

The boys played well. It was an even match up. The championship wasn't meant to be for Murray Hill. Neighboring Raleigh Hills will represent District 4 at the State Tournament at Bend.
Sure is late. G'nite all.

Rain Out.

A lovely rainy day. Pouring rain, actually.
Ball game will be played tomorrow, first pitch at 7:45PM.
It was great to go to church, visit with a lot of folks, and worship God with them.
Then I got all sorts of stuff done around the house and such.
Darn near normal for an unseasonably cool July Sunday.
Back at it tomorrow.
Blessings to all!

A Good Day.

I think today I got my brain back.
Chemo definitely did something weird and insidious to it.
Felt like myself again. Myself with a still sore, but not horribly sore, mouth, but myself.

The start was a bit odd . . .
Woke up to rain . . and a toothache.
Toothache put on hold with ibuprofen, after a consult with Dr. L - sorry, Doc, it was a bit early for a Saturday, but I needed to get a plan in place for the tooth so I could get on with the rest of my day! Hope your early morning was not upset, and thank you. I am grateful to be going forward knowing that whatever dental work might be required I am in OK shape to take it on. If the tooth still is aching on Monday, I get to call the dentist just like a normal person.

Rain was NOT enough to stop the ball game!
The boys won, but it was a squeaker. They needed a dose of humility after four blow-out wins.
I got to enjoy brunch! Bacon! two kinds of Cheesy Potatoes! Sausage! Bits of muffins and stuff. Yum.

Thought I would need a nap after all that, but finally realized I was not sleeping.
Went to the office and got a TON of stuff done! That's when I was sure chemo-brain was gone, and my appetite for work was back.
Might even take a shot at working when the rest of the people are there - for a few hours, anyway.

Tomorrow is the District 4 Little League Majors Championship Game!
3PM, Alpenrose Main.
We will be playing for the right to play in the Oregon State Tournament in Bend, starting next weekend.
Go Murrayhill All Stars!! Play Like Champions!

The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more.

Psalm 121:5-8

Friday!

Number 9 over, done, and slept off.
A lot of previous sleeping had to do with chemo, I think.
Tonight I am able to reflect back on last Friday, and that sludgy feeling I had from the chemo. Insidious, now gone.
Mouth sores are improving. I'm back to potatoes and eggs.
Wonder if I'll be able to enjoy some of the potluck brunch before tomorrow's ball game?
If you're in the area and want to stop by, first pitch is set for 11AM, Alpenrose Main.
Have not been in to work all week. Have done some from home, but not as much as I had hoped. Remote connection has been funky. Will try to go in tomorrow after the game and a rest. I still don't feel up to working in the full bore work environment with multitasking and on the spot trouble shooting. - we'll see . . .
Work sent flowers. They are definitely a day brightener, and every so often their scent wafts by my nose. Thanks, work! Hope to stop in for a visit (purely social!) next week. Will there be pizza? Kris visit? Sabrina visit?
My nose, by the way, has become several degrees more sensitive. Really do not like the smell of Anni's litter box.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Colossians 3:15

Treatments, Gifts, and Stars

Eight radiation treatments done.
Mouth sores are better? Slightly?
Not enough for me to expand my diet, although God, in His mercy, keeps leading me to new nourishing liquid delights! Back when I lived in Ashland, 11 years ago, a favorite treat was chocolate Rice Dream. Up here I could never find Rice Dream in chocolate. Only vanilla, which I never thought was very good at all. Well, today, what should be sitting on the shelf at New Seasons, near the peach nectar which I was craving? Chocolate Rice Dream!! Brought it home and practically chugged down a pint of the stuff. And it was just as good as it was eleven years ago, only, again, now I have no worries about getting fat from it! And that is a gift!

Baseball boys had a short, sweet practice. Their 'little brothers', the MurrayHill 11 yr old All Stars won the State title tonight. After experiencing a rather devastating loss (9-1) in their very first game, they came back to hand their opponent tonight a similar fate, 14-0. These kids played spring ball with the 12 year olds and we've known them for several years. Next year will be their run at the 'big kahuna'. Way to shine, All Stars!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

Baseball Winners, Treatments on course

Boys had two decisive wins, one yesterday and again tonight.
Thank you for praying - I was able to enjoy both games, although I did a lot more hand clapping and a lot less yelling. Also, I have been forgoing the wonderful potlucks the parents put on before the games. There's always a compensation though - I would be so worried about putting on weight from them.
The team will now be playing in the District 4 semifinals on Saturday.
I'm sure there will be no rest for the boys - practice as usual on Thursday and Friday.

I have bagged radiation treatments #6 and 7.
Yesterday both docs declared that everything is going as it should. Thank you, God.
Mouth sores have become more painful, so I bought a prescription grade numbing medicine for them.
Hopefully they will begin to lessen in a day or two. I long to crunch something.
However, I can't complain about butternut squash soup with a large dollop of sour cream on it! Yummers.

Wowl There is just time to close this out and send a notification to all of you. Then it will be time for my mouth nummie med. (Every 2 hours as needed.) Needed. Definitely needed.
Then bed. Wow, and praise God, I have not yet had a bad night's sleep during treatment.

Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good, sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant.

Psalm 135:3

Keep Your Mouth Shut. Sleep.

I talked with an oncology nurse today who said that the sores are a side effect of the 4 day drip, and they will most likely be with me for 4 days. And the best defense IS to keep my mouth shut! No talking. Worked from home by text and email. Don't want to venture into the office and get tempted to use my mouth. I paid a price for just joking with the techs at radiation for a few minutes.

Tomorrow is my weekly visit with Dr H for radiation checkup, and Dr L for chemo checkup. There will be blood work done to make sure everything is as it should be. They will even give me extra fluids if I need them because guzzling water just ain't the fun activity it was three days ago. Fortunately, my taste buds are OK! Enjoyed eating three potatoes, two eggs, and yogurt, sour cream and cheese over the course of the day. May top it all off with a peach/yogurt smoothie. Yep, better do that, or I will be lying in my bed, hungry.

The boys are having a day off from games, but not practice. They are at it as I write.
Next game will be at 5pm tomorrow.
I would appreciate any little prayers asking that I be given the energy to visit with the docs AND enjoy the game after. Oh no! I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut??? We'll see how that goes.
Maybe I won't post tomorrow - might need to come home, have a smoothie, and go straight to bed.

 You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.

Psalm 86:5

Top o' the Morning! and Later.

Hooray for Murray Hill Little League All Stars! They have logged another win, 12-4 over Sun Creek. There were 3 home runs, one a grand slam, and one huge long ball that we all knew was gone the minute it left the bat.
The mom's put together a lovely potluck picnic brunch to enjoy before the game on a perfect summer morning.

The afternoon, however, threw a curve. Mouth sores. Rather suddenly my entire mouth became one with soreness. I remembered I could use the special mouthwash and it helped, but mouth soreness is still the overriding event of the day, and smoothies have become the food of choice. The chemo drip may be over, but the side effects seem to be continuing on.

Now, at the end of the day I am thankful for baseball, and my house, and my cat, and summertime.
Most of all I am thankful for my God who has revealed Himself to me, as he will to anyone who asks, believing, in His name.

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

Romans 1:16-17

Play Ball!

Murray Hill Little League All Stars are off to a good start! It was a perfect day at the ball park - sunny and high seventies. Four of our boys hit homers, one of them hit three! The game ended with a brilliant catch by our shortstop of a hard hit ball - so fast you could have missed it - he then tossed the ball to first for the final out of the game. MHLL 14, Tigard 5. Next game, 10AM tomorrow. Note to church friends: I will be at the game. Um, it's a once in a lifetime ride these boys are on - we have to put up with a few Sunday games . .

I'm back up to 95% of my usual self - thank you God! Just in time to enjoy the game, and the pre-game potluck! My appetite has returned - big time. Major craving for potato salad - satisfied!

I think sleeping yesterday evening and all night helped immensely. I woke up feeling fairly decent - even though I still had the chemo pump at that time. The morning errands included turning the pump back in to St Vincent's. I think there is a psychological impact from getting rid of the thing. It's no trouble to have, but I appreciate not having to have it sitting on my waist making its quiet but relentless little pumping sound.

I am not being bothered by radiation at this time. I guess that one day was just my system being startled by the burn. I haven't turned red or felt sore since then.

Now I get to look forward to a normal day tomorrow - no treatments to upset the status quo - and another ball game to enjoy. I've had a taste of feeling rotten (due to chemo) so I can better appreciate a return to feeling good. And - I will be better prepared when it's time for the second and final chemo in 4 or 5 weeks.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

Weekend

Weekend means two days off from radiation.
Saturday means the chemo drip is done and I turn in the pump.
Saturday means opening game of the District 4 Majors All Star tourney. (4:00, Alpenrose Main).


Now means tired. came home and slept 4 hours. I think that's a reaction to the radiation.

It is now time to sleep some more.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and prayers. G'nite.

Three . . .

Hey All!!
Thanks for praying and caring!
I am grateful that right now that I feel OK. Grateful because I so wanted to make it out to the ball field to join in painting our cars with Go MurrayHill Little League All Stars! and stuff like that. Looks like I'm gonna make it! 

I will probably post more on this entry later, but for now, phew. All is well.

Hooray! My car, and all the team cars, got painted! Excitement is building for the first game on Saturday - Alpenrose Main - opening pitch at 4:00 

Play Like Champions! One Team, One Dream! One Team, One Goal! Go MHLL All Stars!

9:30AM, July 8 - Good Morning.
Burp. Grump.
Ordered anti nausea med. Burp. No, I'm not throwing up miserable, and water is helping a great deal, but I am happy to take a stab at abating lingering queasiness and (oh no!) disinterest in food. The banana I ate is doing fine, but I am having trouble getting excited about an egg, or even a potato. So, I'm off to the pharmacy.
Thankfully, I am having no particular discomfort from radiation - proactive applications of aloe gel have that handled for now, but tired. Definitely tired. Will now focus on getting at least semi presentable for the outside world. The pharmacy anyway. I think I will come back here and let the med do its work, eat, and hopefully have more energy to get a bit more presentable and go to work, and treatment after. It's payroll day and Lisa hasn't been taught how to do that.
 

Two Treatments Behind Me.

OK - Two treatments are behind me.
However, this morning my poor little tail seems to be dragging.
Now I'm writing for my own benefit. I need a mental/spiritual boost.
Gotta dig a little deeper to get the happy juice flowing.

Chemo:
Mercifully, I am not at all bothered by the chemo drug dripping into me.
I'm very grateful that I checked with Nurse L to see if there was an upper limit to how much water I can be drinking during chemo - my concern being that too much water would dilute the drug. Her answer - No!! Water won't do that! Drink all you want! This is wonderful news to me, because I find that I want A LOT of water! I'm thinking lots of water is a significant contributor to good tolerance for chemo.

Radiation:
After Rad. Treatment #2 I did one errand, came home, made a yummy dinner (Ate too much?? See, friends, It takes more than chemo, etc. to keep me from loving food!) and flopped on the couch.
Alternatively napped and read stuff.
Could feel much of my energy going into the radiated area - pelvis - working to do damage control.
At bedtime, I noticed radiation burn - already - ugh. Put on aloe.

General:
Slept well, and slept in an extra hour.
See, everyone - I am taking good care of myself.
Took a walk, although it was a relatively slow-pokey one.
I am not at work. I am home, blogging.
I think now I can fix a breakfast and head for the office for awhile.
And see what the day brings. Yeah, Rad treatment #3. woohoo

Ah - I'm wearing a bit of a happy face again. Nothing like laughing at your own jokes.
Hee hee, ha ha, chortle, giggle, etc.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Fear the Lord, you his saints. for those who fear him lack nothing.

The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Psalm 34:8-10

Heeeere We Go!

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

I’ve been chemo-ed. I’ve been rad-zapped.

Little cells are under attack. Some are being killed by radiation. Many are being prevented from dividing and growing by two chemo drugs. The good ones will die with the bad ones. Cells that have short lives and are replaced often under normal circumstances won’t be replaced. That’s why chemo patients get mouth sores and loose hair. Those cells have a short live/die/replace cycle. Mouth has the shortest cycle, so mouth sores is the first side effect to show up. I have a special mouthwash that should help with them. Listerine has been sent to the back of the cupboard. Hair cells have a somewhat slower regeneration cycle, so I should escape with only slight hair loss – none noticeable to the untrained eye.

Radiation:

No issues. There probably won’t be any during the first two weeks. Then the burn begins to build . . .

Chemo:

Lots of action today!

Anti Nausea Med: It’s a steroid. Besides abating nausea that could come from the other drugs, its anti-inflammatory property is making the ol’ arthritic hip happy. It also could amp up your energy. Nurse L told of a woman who was up running her vacuum at one in the morning. Ugh. Earlier I felt sleepy, but now I do feel a bit hyped – blogging will do that . . .

Chemo drug #1 was sent into me over a 10-minute period. It was a lovely pale purple color. Still is. Mixed with B vitamin yellow, diluted by lots of water, my pee is now pale tan.

Chemo drug #2 comes in a pouch and is fed into a rather amazing little pump. 151 ml of solution is being pumped at the rate of 1.6 ml/hour. Do the math – it takes 94 hours and change to finish. That will be Saturday, about noon. Plenty of time to catch the boys’ opening ball game!

Feelings – physical and other:

Feeling just a little sludgey. The closest thing I’ve ever felt to this (waaaay back in the day) is a mild hangover. I keep thinking I should go walk it off. But the pump keeps pumping.

No nausea issues. May have felt an occasional oopsy feeling – but barely worth mentioning.

Drinking water seems to reduce the sludgey feeling.

I have NOT lost my appetite. Today, at least, I have had to apply the same portion control rules as any other day, with the goal to have 10 pounds gone at the end of this. I am giggling, wondering if I will not lose any of my urge to eat more than I should. I guess in these circumstances that’s a good thing . . .

Good news – I’m cleared to do as much of my workout as I want. The PICC line and the little pump are of sturdy construction and there really isn’t anything I can do to ‘break’ them. I had thought I had trashed the PICC line insertion site by over-using my arm – but as it turns out, not. Phew. Lift that sack of cat litter. But watch out! Don’t sweat on the insertion site.

So, to you faithful readers who have read the whole thing here, Thank you! Thank you for caring and praying and sending good thoughts. I wish I could hug each one of you. You are warming my heart, and making me smile.

God bless us, every one!

Tiny Tim/Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol

‘Twas the Night Before Treatments

Here we go.

Prepare for the worst.

Hope for the best.

Again, I find the best remedy for my feelings of annoyance, concern, anxiety and fear is to pray.

Specifically, to pray for those whose suffering is far greater than any I can expect from this course of treatment.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions, with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Ephesians 6:18

As I pray that these others know the Lord is with them, and that they can trust His perfect will, and that they remember that He is using their situation in ways they cannot imagine for His glory . . a ha! I am comforted, and am at peace.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -

Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5


Some of you readers will enjoy remembering 10!! (can it be??!) years ago exactly as we studied and memorized this Psalm and sang it together set to music written by our gifted friend Martha.

All Systems are Go

Yes! Almost all the bits are in. The preliminary pathology report on those lymph nodes in my groin shows no issues. The caveat is the final report might show issues. However, it doesn’t alter the area to receive radiation. Only the dosage levels of the later treatments would be changed. So no worries with these.

Chemotherapy

Thursday a device called a PICC line was installed in me. If you want details, I am sure you could Google it and learn as much as you would like to know. It is used to drip chemo fluids into me, draw blood for tests and administer any other fluids as necessary, such as electrolytes in the event I become dehydrated. Quite a brilliant device, actually. Do Google it if you have a spare moment.

Yesterday the dressing on the PICC insertion site was changed. All is well. There’s a slight conflict of opinion about how much exercise is permissible with this device in. The team who put it in seemed to think I shouldn’t do much of anything at all. Nurse J, who changed the dressing today seemed to think I could do anything I wanted as long as I didn’t get the site wet from showering, swimming or sweating. Watch that sweat! I’m going with Nurse J.

The first of two chemo sequences begins July 5. I get an immediate dose through the PICC line of one drug, and a five-day drip of another drug is begun at the same time, and I will pack a little pump around which is housed in a fanny pack. I was told the names of the drugs, but I have forgotten them. Neither was one I recall hearing of in my limited experience with chemo.

Radiation

Got part two of the two part set up process for radiation treatments. The team headed by Dr. H is happy with their work. First treatment is set for July 5.

Spent some time with Nurse L who reviewed what to expect during radiation treatments. Compared to what I experienced with radiation for breast cancer – this will be nasty. Definitely nasty. Compared to what many people experience every day with chronic pain and other chronic conditions – cakewalk. Hold that thought. Revisit in 4 weeks.

Life goes on – or not.

I have two sources of Internet. This evening neither one is working. What kind of evil joke is this? I had a fine evening planned relaxing, doing all manner of Internet activities. Not to be. I’m going to shoot over to the near by rec. center where there is wifi and get this sent, and do some other odds and ends. Breaking news – the rec. center wifi is down as well! Oh no! Conspiracy!  – Unplugged! How about that! I accept the gift.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Saturday afternoon 

Here I am at my office using that internet. It's OK, I was planning to get some stuff done here anyway. I've been a busy little bee today - did a full workout (watch that sweat!) and a full dusting of the house. All prepped for what I expect will be the last vacuuming until October! I can live with this.

Now to get some office work done, and attempt to fix what's wrong with at least one of the internet access programs.

Oh, and big thanksgiving for the first two days of July being absolutely perfect. Cloudless and around 80 degrees. Yummy.

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.

There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.

Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.

Psalm 19:1-4

No news – what else is new?

I arrived at Dr L’s expecting news. Turns out the biopsy slides had gone missing. Dr. L ferreted them out, but the pathologist had gone home for the day, so they will be read in the morning.

No news is no problem, for me, anyway. The only aspect of treatment impacted if the lymph nodes test positive is the area of radiation. Dr. H. will have to tweak his plans for where the radiation is aimed, which we hope he will have time to do and still allow  treatments to begin on July 5. We can pray that the logistics work out – or better – that the lymph nodes test negative.

I had fun with the baseball boys and their families, and came home – to find the internet giving me grief. Have it sorted out now, but I’m out of energy for sharing anything more. I wants ma bed. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. God is good. G'nite, all.